My Story: What I've Been Through

TRIGGER WARNING** This is my personal story about how and why I started my venture as a healer.

A friend asked me what my story was the other day. I gave a very simplified answer because at the time I didn’t want to drag up old baggage. I worked hard for the peace I have in my life now, so I rarely talk about my challenges. Also, because I gotta be strong right?

Here goes…

I’ve spent more than half of my life in turmoil. Everything from abuse and sexual abuse, drugs and everything in between. I never knew my biological father and my adoptive father was an abusive alcoholic to my mother, insert anxiety, depression and PTSD here. I hated him for that. Almost every day there was a bogus reason to beat my mother and threaten to kill her. Besides feeling helpless and despair, I couldn’t understand why he would adopt me, only to make my life hell. I still think about it and wonder to this day. When I was almost 14 my mom packed us up and moved to Alabama. I was an angry, hurt and confused teen. I hated my mom for letting all of that happen for so long, only to uproot my entire life to a place I despised. The hate here in Alabama was reciprocated because I was “different”. I learned quickly to be myself if my peers were going to hate me anyway. At this point, things were pretty shitty, so, I got high. I got really, really high for years. I was a functional junkie.

There’s only so far drugs and alcohol can take anyone. At some point you just have to learn to deal with your shit. I couldn’t take the rage I had from abuse and rape and set the world on fire. I wanted to. I was an awful person because of it, and I didn’t care about anyone or anything. It was around this point that I began to realize that I needed to use what spirituality I had and start the healing process, sober.

That. Shit. Was. Hard…but worth it. I saw several therapists, and at times I didn’t think it was worth it or working. I was impatient and I wanted healing without the work. I was young, had been through a lot, and who wants to hear that they were a shitty, violent, self-centered person on a weekly basis. I felt like I was to blame, when I did nothing to cause the hand I was dealt.

Everything is a process, so I had to trust that shit. A part of that process was returning to the spirituality that was taught by my mom. I started meditating, cleansing and manifesting the things I wanted in life. I took my moms advice, and during my healing process we became really close. We talked about everything, and I was able to forgive her for the things she could have done better. She was my best friend, and in 2016 cancer took her life. Shortly after, I was diagnosed with major depression. I wanted to die. Not that I didn’t love my family, but I felt that they would be better off without me. So, I recorded a goodbye video and a few days later decided to take a handful of pills. I was rushed to the hospital and had to stay and then spent some time in a mental health facility. Being there made me realize that I’d hit rock bottom. All I had was to focus on getting better so I could get home to my family. I hated being there, but that break from reality was what I desperately needed.

I found myself back to the basics of my spirituality while confined within the four walls of the mental health institution and from there I kept pushing forward. I was able to come off of my medication.I still had a psychiatrist, and I did this without a therapist because I knew exactly what needed to be done.

In returning back to my spirituality, love was one of the things on the list that I wanted to manifest. So I did. I met my husband in 2014 and we were married the next year. My new marriage didn’t come without it’s challenges, though. We were broke nursing school students who were combining a family. The family part was easy, but life’s challenges weren’t. We’ve lost a lot of close family members, and out of jealousy of our love, many tired to destroy that. All of those things made us stronger- we leaned on each other. Putting your trust in someone when you’ve been through what I have was difficult. My husband never let me down and was there every step of the way. I’m most grateful for that, because even when I tried to end it all, he stood by me. Cheers to 54 more years, plus eternity, babe ❤

Addiction? Yeah, I’ve been there. Rape? Been there, too. Suicide, tried it. Broke, tired, anxious, alone…check ✔. Even after all of that, I don’t see myself as a victim. Maybe because of my pride, but I think it’s because I realized exactly who the fuck I am and what I am capable of. I’ve always known, but now I have the proof, because here I am, not only surviving, but thriving. I’m here to share my gifts as an intuitive healer with you. I’m a light and shadow worker. I can create and destroy. I can heal and cause illness. I am because I’ve accepted what the universe has gifted me and I’m forever grateful.

After being told many times that I should heal for a living, I’ve decided to pursue that. My Facebook page is Salaama Journey: Spiritual Mentor.